We celebrated Kelly’s graduating high school with a party Saturday. About 50 adults and many students were there. We could not have done it without the help of the Kirk and McKeone families. One thing Susan and Emily Kirk helped with was a set of table placements that included photos of Kelly and facts, real an dubious, about the kid. Kevin made up most of the dubious ones. Emily did a great job connecting images and facts. Give it a look. And prepare to laugh.
At today’s leadership meeting at Wellsprings, I realized that one of the things I do—and should own—is a general stepping in and out of commitment. I see it as an orbit, an eccentric one at that, that brings me closer and takes me farther from the issues I wrestle with on a daily basis. I rarely become occupied and unable to separate from something.
The truth is, I think this is a mixed bag. While it keeps me from becoming obsessed, it also means that I sometimes step away from issues that I should stay on top of—work and church projects, family issues, friendships. I always figure I can work my way back eventually. That is sometimes a rationalization. I have no intention of re-engaging. Other times, as I draw away I feel the tug of gravity or responsibility and I nudge back into the waxing portion of my orbit.
The question posed by my journaling app was simple: “Who taught you how to drive?”
My dad taught me to drive. What always stuck with me was not what he taught me, but how he handled my first car accident. I was headed to my first job, at the Hazlet movie theater on Rte 35 in the Kmart shopping center, on a Saturday or Sunday, probably around noon. I had to run by the Middletown theater, where my Uncle Tom was the manager, to pick up popcorn to get us started on a busy, rainy day.
We’re getting to the end of Kelly’s senior year of high school and last Friday was a milestone: his senior prom.
he went with his girlfriend Emily, and we met her family when they came over for photos. We also had the grandmas.
i’m starting to think he’s actually going to graduate.
Kelly and Mike have made their college choices and, surprise!, they’re going to the same place: the university of Delaware.
Can you tell from the photo?
This is them taking a break at an ultimate frisbee tournament.
Here’s Kelly on the Methacton courts at the the start of tennis season this spring.
One of the strange things about our family (among many) is that our kids don’t go to our church. Pete doesn’t go to any church, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he sees the value in it sometime down the road. Kelly does, but he followed his own call to Main Line Unitarian Church, where he knew some of the kids from Unirondack summer camp. He is one of the youth leaders there.
it was his experience at Main Line that took he and I to Haiti 14 months ago, and took him to UU General assembly last summer, and generally drives his desire to be involved in our faith. It’s one of the biggest blessings of our family life, and it was a special treat a week ago when he and the rest of the youth group led a Sunday service at MLUC.
Back in the fall, the youth group did something and we were surprised to see Kelly dance in public. My god, the kid can dance! This time, he joined a couple kids with musical instrument and Virginia and I realized with some excitement and dread that the kid was gonna sing! and he did, rapping Macklemore’s 2012 plea for tolerance, Same Love. You can catch a snippet below.
It’s been a crummy, cold, nasty winter, so escaping to Kevin’s mom’s place in Vero Beach for a week in early March was a wonderful treat. We sat by the pool, saw some spring training baseball (all Mets, all the time), and ate A LOT.
There were four of us, but it was a bit strange. Kevin’s mom was there, Kelly was not (it was not his spring break week and he has missed enough school that he can’t afford to miss any more). Sadly for him, the weather in Pennsylvania was atrocious, and there was not a full day of school all week—2 days canceled, 3 partial days. Oh well, Kelly and Kevin are planning their father-son trip after school ends.
Love is not enough.
I was speaking with a colleague in church leadership yesterday in a wide-ranging discussion about where are hearts are these day (one of the reasons I do love my church community). We were speaking about the death of her dog, and what a big impact it had on she and her husband. And that led to parenting humans, and her saying that she was always unsure on whether she would be a good parent.
I told her she would and that she had all the qualities to be a great parent, because there are no skills to being a parent. The only thing you need is the ability to be in love. Because it’s not enough to love.
You can love chicken vermicelli at the local Vietnamese place. You can love Wes Anderson movies. You can love your niece. But parenting is about being “in love,” about the stretch and intensity and depth of feeling and concern that we often place on a romantic relationship.
Like those romantic relationships, being in love with your kids doesn’t mean you are blind to them; it’s the contrary. You see them very clearly. The good and the bad. The naive parts and the broken places. It also means that it can be hard to hold them accountable to what you see and what you believe.
The intimacy of being in love with your kids is easier when they’re young, when you loom so large in their world and they large in yours. As they get bigger, it gets harder. They develop alternate networks of approval and support, some of which may not align with your values and experiences. They yearn to strike out on their own—or just to strike out.
And that’s when you need to soften. Even then, you need to stay in love with them. Because they are not done growing, and you are not done parenting. This can be your final act of parenting: the last exhilarating fling before moving on to another way of relating, where you merely love them. Because at this point, if things are not going great, you start looking at the exit door, thinking this is when you can step away and they’ll figure it out.
Except they might not. And what’s needed from you now isn’t a listen-to-me or I-told-you-so. What’s needed is a who-are-you, it’s a tell-me-your-story-again. What’s needed is someone who can tell them what’s different about their story today compared to a year or a decade ago. What’s needed is that they know someone is paying attention. Someone in love with them.
I’ll run through the rest of my Oscar picks in the larger categories.
Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
If I think that Boyhood is the best picture of the year, then I think I have to go with its pair of supporting nominees. Patricia Arquette was great. I’d be OK if Keira Knightley won; Emma Stone was not very good in Birdman and I can’t get past Meryl Streep’s hair in Into the Wild. Laura Dern in Wild? No idea, but I assume Reese Witherspoon is the only contender for an award from that movie (and I already decided she wasn’t going to get it).
Supporting Actor
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Didn’t see it, but I can read, and all signs are Simmons wins. I liked Ethan Hawk in Boyhood, and I thought Edward Norton was easily the best thing about Birdman. The movie crackled when he was in the frame, and really missed him when he wasn’t—which, unfortunately, included the last third of the film.
Animated Feature Film
How to Train a Dragon 2
No idea why, except some friends saw and liked it.
Documentary Feature
CitizenFour
I saw it this weekend and have to say, technically, it’s not very good (is it this hard to keep Edward Snowden in focus?)—but it’s a world-changing, important story, and director Laura Poitras was right there.
Cinematography
Birdman
People were really taken by the contrived nature of this shoot; I wasn’t, but I’m not going to argue it. I think it wins. Not sure why I’m not giving this to Interstellar, except I didn’t see it.
Costume Design
Grand Budapest Hotel
It’s gotta win for something and, after a second viewing, I have to say the costumes and look were absolutely perfect, and it was expertly paced. I think it was the best-executed Wes Anderson movie yet, though I liked the story behind Moonrise Kingdom more.
Film Editing
American Sniper
Nice and tightly put together, it deserves a win for something, and I’m not sure Bradley Cooper is going to get that win (though I’m pulling for him).
I don’t want to spend too much time on this, as the Oscars are a complete Overthinkers trap. So here we go:
Best Picture
Boyhood
I was delighted by Grand Budapest Hotel, but it tickled more than it moved me; the same can’t be said for Richard Linklater’s film—and I don’t think it’s only because I have a teen and a 20-year-old. Great performances from Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke, in addition to the boy himself, Ellar Coltrane. American Sniper and Birdman may garner some support, but the first hued the same war-is-the-ultimate-drug vibe as The Hurt Locker and the latter simply wasn’t visually interesting and promising early, before falling flat in the third act.
Best Actor
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
The rest of this field is weak. Neither Cumberbatch and Redmayne killed it, and I assume they’ll split the “tormented British genius” vote; I thought Michael Keaton was handed the final third of Birdman to carry it home and he didn’t (with little to no help from Emma Stone), and Steve Carell … I think his nomination should have gone to Daniel Oyelowo, in Selma. That leaves me with Cooper, who has been on a great run in recent years without official sanction. I think he gets it on Oscar night.
Best actress
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Didn’t see it, but judging from buzz, it sounds like a lock. Again, I don’t see a strong rival.
Best director
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
The Academy should reward him for the audacious, brilliantly executed film he created.
I’ll get to others closer to the event.
It’s no secret that it’s been a tough school year for Kelly, who has been struggling with migraines since October.
So it was nice last week when he completed a grueling week of midterms without missing a day of school. And on Friday, he got some more good news: he was accepted at Temple University.
Pete is already at Temple; I don’t know if that’s a plus or minus for Kelly. And he’s still waiting to hear from his favorite school, Syracuse. But it was a relief to know that he could go to a good school that offers a strong program in his stated field of interest (video storytelling). His mom and I like the idea that it is also in the city where his medical care is based. There is obviously much to get discussed and decided, but there are also a couple months to work it out.
That’s a long way of saying that we went out Sunday night to celebrate Kelly’s good news (and his 18th birthday, which is a couple weeks off) at Smith & Wollensky’s, on Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia. My mom joined us, which was great, and Pete had a chance to show her Temple’s campus. She was impressed by all the new buildings.
It was Restaurant Week in Philly, so we ordered off a limited menu, but that didn’t stop anyone from eating a lot. Then we dropped off Pete and headed home ahead of what was supposed to be a big ol’ snowstorm (not quite, it turned out).
Regardless, we had a great time.
kevdonahue 