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Something I wrote a decade ago, that I think is worth sharing now …

Families are like inchworms. Some members lead, some follow, but in the end they all end up in the same place, because it’s all one thing. If you’re at either end, it can be frustrating; that’s where the tensions start. But make no mistake, in the end, an inchworm is one thing.

Rev. Ken Beldon spoke Sunday at our Wellsprings Congregation service about people being buoyant. He said that the problem we run in to is when we forget that and try to hold on to the water, that if you can experience “flow,” and ride the ebb-and-flow of life, that you can avoid sinking.

That reminded me of something Virginia has said more than once, from her experiences working with families as a social worker: Kids are resilient. Given a chance, they can make it out OK.

And it made me think that we parents can overcomplicate and out-think the “problem” that is children. It really comes down to three things. I call it the Hippocratic Oath of Parenting. Do no harm. That does not mean that you can not challenge them; it does not mean you cannot discipline them; it does not mean that you cannot have days where you are not at your best.

• It means that you cannot incapacitate them. You cannot turn them into victims (of you, of a system, of their mother or father or whoever doesn’t live in the house now). You cannot insist they exhibit a disability (even if one previously existed but is no longer there) to keep money coming into the house. It means you keep alive the possibility of their flourishing, no matter the odds, no matter the circumstances. Your first duty is to keep alive their ability to dream.
• It means you should grant them security. You may or may not be able to provide economic security, or existential security. The security you can provide, or attempt to provide through another person or persons if you know you might not be up to the task, is the security that your child is loved, that he or she matters. Kids can survive the empty stomach, a life with a lot of uncertainty. They will not flourish if they suspect they do not matter.
• It means you should grant them opportunity, Opportunity is merely a vantage point. It’s access to experiences beyond their own. Some opportunity is expensive; some is exceedingly cheap. In my mind, opportunity is a function of being valued. You matter, and someday you will appreciate this experience. It’s a gift given freely.

That’s the task: defend capacity, nurture worth, feed it with experience.

Thought of this way, it makes me remember times when I’ve been with my sons but not present, not providing experience. And experience isn’t always a heavy lift — playing a board game or sitting together to watch your NBA team or a thunderstorm, all can provide value as easily as an expensive trip or lessons.

Lastly, it made me realize that marriages ebb and flow, and that there are times for more space and less space around the individuals. Both are important. And that when resentment is growing within me, that’s probably a good time to include a bit more space to better see the shape and structure of this thing we’ve built and feed together. Because when I do, I feel a flood of gratitude and a measure of patience flow through me. Good flow, indeed.